I have been absent from the keyboard for quite some time, primarily because our little family encountered yet another detour in this overly-blessed life of ours: a fourth baby! There are few words to describe our array of emotions, but shocked and bewildered still carry some weight. After my last pregnancy, just last year, feelings of contentment unexpectedly sneaked their way into my mama heart. I could hold our third bundle and feel complete, abundantly fulfilled in my calling of motherhood.
February's positive pregnancy text shook me, rattled my confidence in my mothering capabilities, and challenged my understanding of God's work in my life and our family. I was overcome with fear and doubt, and cried for our already-here baby girl...who was only ten months old. I was convinced she would feel replaced and hate me. I was doubtful I could stretch my heart, my arms, and patience to cover another child. I was even terrified of telling my husband, bypassing all the cutesy announcement ideas; he got a phone call...at work: "Sooo, I need you to go outside." I felt completely out of control, completely blindsided, and completely unprepared for the emotion, the physical changes, and the attention that would come with this fourth pregnancy.
At five months along, we have all adjusted well to the idea of our new reality. Baby #4 is our fourth daughter, and her three big sisters will be sure she never spends a moment of her life alone. Our network of family and friends has embraced and encouraged us along this unexpected journey and helped us rebuild our confidence in ourselves and God's direction. The stares and not-so-occasional comments from strangers have been brutal, though. Apparently, it is a phenomenon to have four children and more bizarre for a family to have (or even want) four children of the same sex.
Sometimes, people can be so disappointing. In moments of their unwelcome, unfiltered gushing of nonsense, I want to run and hide. Without ever asking for it, I instantly become a public spectacle, attracting attention that makes me uneasy and defensive, for no good reason. I have become overly-aware and hyper-sensitive to the reactions I see unfold around me. People will hurl disapproving glances my way and utter rubbish under their breath because they simply do not understand. Thankfully, I know this baby was miraculously created into life by our Father's loving hands; the approval or acceptance of others is unnecessary when I know the One who breathed life into our precious daughter.
Bystanders are unaware of others' internal processing and only worsen their feelings of doubt or guilt, without taking into consideration the differences in life circumstances or God's calling for them. I was a shocked and useless onlooker of a heartbreaking incident in a breastfeeding support group on social media, a couple of months ago. This first-time mama had exclusively breastfed her daughter for six whole months (she deserves a standing ovation, y'all), but had not endured the easiest of journeys. Her many dietary sacrifices did little to help remedy her baby girl's tummy and skin issues; six months of unsavory food substitutions and eliminations proved useless. The disrespect of this hurting, reached-her-last-straw mama was gut-wrenching. The disregard of her achievements and struggles was astonishing. Mere strangers shamed her, belittling all efforts, instead of meeting her in the valley with grace and spirit-redeeming reassurance. Even the so-called encouragement was more often discouraging; respondents offered the best (ahem, good...ish) advice they could muster for the disheartened mama, but their words were splattered by remnants of their own expectations or standards on the subject. They failed to see this mama's journey for what it was for her: hard and long. Instead, argumentative, condescending, and judgmental comments scared her away; not once did she reply to anyone.
This mama wholly undeserved the lashing she suffered. At the very minimum, she deserved neutral support, advice void of self-praising, and grace-filled understanding of her personal journey and all the differences that accompanied it. She received none of that and probably gave up on her endeavors, guilt-ridden and with her head held low. After losing her post in the busyness of my feed, I posted one of my own to the group, praising this mama and her success and praying for a rejuvenation of her spirit. I am not confident she saw my post, though, for two reasons: 1) in a group of thousands of posting mamas, much goes unnoticed, and 2) the group administrator blocked further commenting on my post (reason: "to prevent further confrontation"). Evidently, my content of life-breathing truth and support was too controversial, but the ruthless attacks of this mama's character and priorities were of the acceptable nature. They persisted for hours.
Why must we have so little regard for others? Why must we prioritize our self-importance over the needs and struggles of those around us, especially those who reach out for a lifeline? A broken spirit should be treated carefully and with abundant compassion. Full disclosure of a person's life is not required for us to extend unconditional grace. We do not need understanding of a person's circumstances before we consider her or him worthy of our grace and alliance. Our words should be meticulously chosen in every situation, to ensure our mouths speak truth and are void of judgment.
"An unfriendly person pursues selfish ends and against all sound judgment starts quarrels. Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions... The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."
Proverbs 18:1-2; 21 (NIV)
