If you have read any of my articles before, it is likely you know that I attract quite a fair amount of unwarranted commentary and criticism from brazen passersby. You see a pregnant mama with three little girlies in tow and cannot resist the urge to inquire about our reality. Surely, I must look so disappointed with life; sadness must ooze from my eyeballs and silent screams must echo from my inner being. How on earth can we possibly be happy with these children? Apparently, our two-parents-plus-four-kids equation is missing something crucial: a boy.
Clearly adorned with an "ask me questions" sign on my back, I am no stranger to strangers' barrage of head-scratching inquiries. Even inappropriate insinuations have been hurled my way, with our innocent and unsuspecting young daughters as witnesses: "You must not know how to make boys." Cringe-worthy. Intrusive. Other statements and questions are less grotesque, but they are just as ridiculous. For the sake of information, here is a brief review...
"All girls?! Poor Daddy."
"That fourth baby is a boy, right?"
"Y'all going to keep trying for your boy?"
I am usually so astonished by the audacity that I tend to awkwardly smile and keep quiet. It is not until the drive home that I become perplexed and overwhelmed with sadness. Are you so desperate for "small talk" that you think the topic of our family is fair game? I would like to think the best of people and assume your approach is flawed, rather than your intention. Even still, these questions have implications; they are loaded with suggestion and splattered with opinion...or maybe judgment. Do you know your questions might cause harm? Inflict pain?
The cover photo of our family does not wholly depict the history its walked. That seven years ago, while expecting our first child, we heeded the sonographer's report and prepared for our son. After many shopping trips, sweet gatherings at baby showers, and safari-themed nursery preparation, we were anxiously awaiting the arrival of our sweet boy. But, because God's design for our family differed from what we anticipated, we received a Christmas surprise: our precious daughter. The sonogram images were deceiving, and our lives quickly changed gears from blue and green to purple and pink. We have never wished away our daughter, or her little sisters, but there is still a portion of our hearts reserved for a son. Each question, as illustrated above, not only intrudes into a very personal part of our family, but it also resurfaces our feelings of longing. We love a son I never carried in my womb. Not only is it difficult to process, but it is more difficult to explain.
Our story is unique, but other families have different, more painful journeys; sometimes shattered by the loss of a child or the challenges of infertility, a seemingly lighthearted question may, in fact, bring about profound sorrow. What if a mama of all girls miscarried her only son? What if a mama of all boys can no longer safely carry babies and will never have a daughter? What if my daughters hear questions that make them feel inferior? Not good enough? My daughters--these beautifully-crafted creations of the Father--might so wrongly assume they do not bring their daddy and me abundant joy, all because you had an opinion or a "funny" joke to share. Because you considered my husband a poor, helpless prisoner in a life of all girls.
I get it. Not everyone wants a family this big and not everyone can imagine a family of four daughters. All the drama, you say. Hormonal teenage years and messy bathrooms, you say. "You" neglect to consider how full Daddy's arms are at the end of the workday. The snuggles and the dances. The trips to the soccer field and golf course. The beatboxing lessons. The victory cheers celebrating his favorite sports teams. The decorative football pumpkin birthday present because, even at the craft store, his girls still think of their daddy.
Our life is rich and full of so much joy. Our little tribe is ours. It is irreplaceable. These girls are chosen--by God and by us. Do not feel sorry for our boy-less family; life is no less rewarding with daughters. Our hearts swell with love for them. Do not feel sorry for my husband; he is one spoiled daddy. Do refrain from comparing my family to some bogus, personal or social standard; we are living a life designed by God and are blessed beyond measure. And, lastly, do consider the internal implications of your commentary and questioning; you will never be able to see the scars on a mama's heart.
"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers."
Ephesians 1:16 (NIV)
